The Life of a Dominatrix: When BDSM Is Your Day Job…

0

Ever wondered what the life of a dominatrix is really like?

In 2019, Netflix launched a new ‘comedy’ about the life of a dominatrix which was almost universally lambasted by the kink community. Bonding follows the lives of a graduate student, Tiff a professional dominatrix and her gay best friend from high school, Pete. Though based on the writer’s own experiences, Bonding is far from being an accurate depiction of the life of a dominatrix. Instead, the show features some howling inaccuracies, bad stereotypes and is accused of poorly representing the work of a professional sex worker in the kink community. So, if Netflix got this so wrong, what is the life of a dominatrix really like?

In this feature, we take a look behind the scenes of the work of a dominatrix including what makes a good professional dominant. We’ve pooled the experiences of several mistresses to paint you a picture of what the job is like, the kinds of clients they see and the quirks of their lifestyle.

What is a The Role of a Dominatrix?

A professional dominatrix is someone who identifies as female and is paid to arrange and take part in consensual power exchange. Whilst many dominatrices will identify as being dominant, some will actually be more comfortable in a submissive position in their personal lives and may be comfortable as a switch. Certainly there is a good consensus that a successful dominatrix will have some experience as a submissive if she is to offer the best play sessions for her clients.

The Life of a Dominatrix

Image via Pixabay.

Clients come to a professional dominatrix to explore a wide range of kinks and fetishes and choose to do so with someone who has experience and who does so in a consensual and controlled environment.

Whilst considered to be a sex worker’s role, a dominatrix will more than likely not provide sex although this varies by individual and may even be dictated by the local laws on sex work. Certainly, the work of a dominatrix is more than just offering sexual fantasies and professionals of the trade offer something more akin to therapy than simple ‘sexual services’.

What Makes a Good Dominatrix?

Though the reasons for wanting to become a dominatrix vary by individual – some get in it for the money whilst others do it for the love – there are several traits that all successful dominatrices share. So, what makes a good dominatrix?

The first, and most obvious ingredient, is a passion for, and understanding of, the job. Quite simply, if you don’t enjoy the work then there is little point getting involved. You need to want to be able to work with your clients to achieve a mutual and meaningful connection. This kind of work is not just about punishing men for your own pleasure. Clients come to professional dominatrices to explore their fantasies in a safe and consensual way.

A good dominatrix is also someone who has experience in a wide range of kinks and fetishes, and, preferably, someone who has been at the receiving, as well as the giving, end. They will probably have trained with another mistress, or pro-domme at a professional dungeon or studio where they will have built up their own knowledge. Without a sound understanding of what it is that your clients are asking for then there is little chance that you can provide them with a satisfying or safe experience.

Which brings us to our second quality, a level and mature head. Safety is the primary responsibility of any dominatrix. It’s a key and crucial role to be able to protect themselves and to offer clients a safe environment in which to explore their kinks. It covers everything from the initial vetting procedures of whether and how to work with new clients to providing the right levels of physical, mental and emotional care that go hand in hand with this kind of job.

Thirdly, a good dominatrix needs to be well prepared and well equipped, and that means different things to different people. Sure, you need a safe, secure and private play space from which to operate as well as a good selection of accessories, toys and costumes. However, it also relates to the safety equipment that ought to be a part of any ‘dungeon’ or studio. Medical aids are essential and the professional mistress should be trained in basic first aid and care to be able to deal with everything from panic attacks to accidents and injuries……yes, they do happen.

Another part of preparation is self-care and it is an important aspect of the job that can often be overlooked. The fact is that the work of a dominatrix can be incredibly tiring both mentally and physically and scheduling in some recovery time for herself is essential.

And lastly, the principle quality that every good dominatrix must possess is that certain (as the French might say) je ne sais quoi. It’s that presence of authority that means they can plan and oversee how each play session pans out…..and have the ingenuity to roll with the punches when things don’t go to plan; this takes experience.

As every dominatrix will know, even with the most meticulously planned sessions where boundaries and rules have been laid out in detail, things can happen. An inexperienced mistress can fail to bring these sessions back to a safe point.

At the end of the day, it takes an intelligent and emotionally astute person to be a professional dominatrix and nobody ‘falls’ into this kind of role without putting in a lot of hard work. Many women who work in this industry have commercial backgrounds and/or are academically gifted. Some have degrees in law, medicine or business and could have chosen any number of conventional roles to earn a living. The fact is that they choose to work as a dominatrix because they love the lifestyle, are rewarded by the interactions with clients and the money can (sometimes) be great.

A Day In the Life of a Dominatrix

Before arranging any play sessions, and unlike the central character in the Netflix series, Bonding, a professional dominatrix will carefully have screened her clients.

As anyone who has ever tried to make an appointment with a mistress will know, they will often make it as difficult as possible and this is by design; not so much to assert their initial power but to help weed out those individuals that are time wasters and/or difficult to deal with. New clients will be asked to complete an extensive questionnaire which is usually followed up with a telephone exchange and/or meeting to ensure that all details of the session are pre-planned. At this point, the dominatrix will lay out all the boundaries and satisfy herself that she is able to work with this client.

A part of the vetting procedure often includes taking up any references with former dominatrices.

Prior to receiving a client for an appointment, the play space/dungeon/studio will need to be prepped in readiness. This can vary depending on the fetish being accommodated during the session and can range from prepping the floors for messy play to testing electrical play equipment (TENS, violet wands etc). Though bondage and/or humiliation is common with power play for dominatrices, there can be a myriad of other things that they are asked to do.

The role of a Dominatrix

Image via NeedPix.

Depending on the session and the client, there may be some mental preparation required in order to get ‘in role’ as well as getting into the gear. Believe it or not but most mistresses don’t wear thigh high leather boots and latex corsets all day long. Being a dominatrix is a job like any other so, though you might not like the idea, they also have days when they wear PJs or comfort clothing.

Once in role and during the session, for most professional mistresses, they find they will be 100% absorbed on the task in hand; being distracted can diminish the experience for the client and a lack of concentration could even be dangerous.

Sessions can last for anywhere between an hour and even up to 24-hours as prearranged with the client. A typical day could involve several hour-long sessions with regular clients or could incorporate a single but marathon play session.

These kinds of sessions can be exhausting on the dominatrix and are usually followed by a period of self-care and rest in order to recover before the next set of clients.

Of course, there are many mistresses who only work part-time in role and may only see clients on certain evenings or at the weekends. In this respect, they may well be holding down a full-time job elsewhere to pay the bills and be working as a dominatrix for love of the job or to satisfy their own sexual energy.

When a session starts, it will usually starts slow and is ramped up progressively according to the individual. Some clients don’t want this and a heavy bondage enthusiast, for example, may want to get straight to the extreme. Again, knowing your clients and preparing beforehand is key.

At the end of any working day, a dominatrix will return home or close the door on her personal studio space and engage in pretty normal and mundane activities. Some are married or in long-term relationships with men (or women) who know and understand exactly what their partner does. It may seem strange for some but the fact that the relationship between a dominatrix and her clients is almost exclusively non-sexual, there is usually very little, if any, jealousy from their partners. For some, they see it as a natural way for their partner to exercise one aspect of their own lives and enjoy a rather different with them when they are at home.

It’s not uncommon for very mistresses who are ultra-dominant in their professional capacity to be more submissive in their private lives. But, it’s important never to ask about this aspect of your dominatrix’s life. All professional sex-workers value their privacy and guard it very protectively. This is usually one of main ways you can violate the boundaries of your mistress, so be respectful.

It may come as a surprise to some people that the day-to-day life of a dominatrix isn’t all that glamorous and there is plenty of hard-work involved as well as the mundanities or running a business; like advertising, filing your tax-returns and keeping up with the accounts.

Clients of a Dominatrix

The types of clients that seek services from a professional dominatrix are more varied than you might think. Yes, of course there are the arrogant and cocksure businessmen who hold all of the power in their own professional lives and who can desire to be punished and to relinquish control.

Yet, there are also young guys who want to be humiliated because they feel inadequate, old men who just want to be spanked and typically ‘desirable’ men who want to be feminized. Most are perfectly well-adjusted individuals who either have a kink they want to explore or a fetish that demands to be sated. Usually, all cannot find this kind of satisfaction with their partners or through casual encounters so they pay to have their desires met professionally.

Of course, some clients have a few hang-ups that come along with their fetishes and kinks which can mean that the role of the dominatrix ends up being much more than a professional pain-giver or spanker. She is often required to perform mental agility by listening, comforting and counselling….especially during the after-care period of a session with a client.

Rarely, a client will present to a dominatrix with some obvious mental health issues which may mean she refuses to work with them. In the unusual situation where this hasn’t been picked up during screening and only comes to light during a session then she has to call in to play her experience in order to deal with the situation safely. This is one of the reasons why some dominatrices choose to work in a shared space with other professional sex workers or opt to have a second person on standby on the premises. It’s pretty rare but sometimes a session of play can get out of hand and having someone to assist can prove useful. Even the idea that there is someone just outside the door can be enough to reign in some of the more ‘enthusiastic’ clients who forget the pre-agreed boundaries.

Featured image via Wikimedia Commons.

Share.

Comments are closed.